In the last year or so I started to see so many people of my age that have done truly incredible things and still doing more.
For the vast majority of my life my only goals were gettimg academic satisfaction and doing unproductive stuff in the free time to get temporary pleasure. No end goal whatsoever.
I kind of don’t know what I’ve been doing in the last 17 years while someone gets a patent on solar systems, other invents a new recyclable plastic, and another found a successful startup. I mean, they all find what they’re supposed to be doing with their lives and excel in them.
I feel overwhelmed for trying to pace up with these kind of people. Yet I don’t like the way the things are and I can’t do anything but envy those people.
Anyone with experience in this regard? How did you deal with this? Did you eventually “pace up” with these people or was it too late or an unattainable goal?
Edit: Whoops, I didn’t expect so many replies! Thanks, I’ll look into them all
The best way to be miserable in life is to compare yourself to others. Just do your best, thats all that matters
I’m really trying to not make this a way to mess up with my mental state, but instead a search on how to achieve the best of myself. I just want to know how these people are waking up in the morning and do the stuff they do.
Some people are just wired differently, those people are programmed in a way that just so happens to be congruent with our society. It’s not that something is wrong with you, it’s just that society is “more right” for them.
It’s also worth mentioning that I’ve been on the other side of this fence. It’s something that can be learned with time and dedication. If you feel like your life is unfulfilling and you want to change, you are never locked into the life you have right now.
one of my psychologist friends said a long time ago “if you don’t keep improving yourself, then what’s the point in living”.
you’re clearly already taking steps on self-improvement and personal introspection, which is probably one of the hardest things a human can do.
honestly you’re already kicking goals if you try and be a better person each day. No one can ask more of you.
Man, that doesn’t resonate with me at all. I don’t think there is any point to living other than just enjoying your time here. Sure, work when necessary to be able to afford the necessities, develop some skills to be able to afford a few luxuries, but honestly just do things that make you happy. Self-improvement as a reason to live seems awful. If you’re unable to improve, are you a failure? If you’re already happy as you are, should you just end it?
it depends on what you consider self-improvement to be
This is the core. I improve every day; part of that is by still not being dead.
Some people measure improvement by monetary wealth; some by fame, some by influence, some by personal happiness.
The key is to figure out what YOU value instead of measuring your improvement by someone else’s scale.
Living like that sounds very harmful to ones mental health. Sometimes people can’t improve despite trying and trying, and being told there’s no point in living without improvement would just help people that are already depressed justify their thoughts on not being alive any more.
A bit of a scale issue. You’re seeing the top 0.001% of people. And they derive some kind of pleasure from their passions (probably) and are really specifically wired to chase this thing. It’s ok to be mortal. The only thing you should excel at is being you and finding satisfaction in your own life. For every person with a world changing invention, or what have you, there are millions of people just living, and that’s ok.
Just remember that because the face you see is always smiling doesn’t mean they truly enjoy their life. For all you know they’re so burned out and miserable, over the stress, and would kill to go back to a less stressful life.
We all have a tendency to see the grass as greener on the other side.
Finding what makes you happy and focusing on making sure you’re unapologetically taking care of yourself is a good place to start.
This goes for work, relationships, hobbies, friends, whatever.
Can’t say I’ve always done a great job of it but for me it feels like it has made a difference the older I’ve gotten.
And of course, social media (including lemmy) is horrible for self confidence so don’t binge if you can help it.
@TooLazyDidntName In fairness, every loser does his “best”; it’s the winner who goes home and fucks the prom queen.
Can we not do the whole “women are objects to be ranked based on physical appearance only and fought over as prizes” thing, please? That prom queen has agency of her own-- who’s to say she’s even into the “winner”, let alone that their personalities are in any way compatible? Maybe (assuming she’s interested in men and looking for a relationship) she’d rather be with a guy who isn’t hypercompetitive, who’s more laid back and easygoing?
Which brings me to the other problem with your metaphor: what’s “winning”? Someone could be doing well by society’s metrics and be miserable, because their current lifestyle isn’t the right fit for them. Someone else could be a total failure by society’s metrics, but perfectly content with their life the way it is. Who’s the real winner there? (Spoiler alert: it’s the second person).
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This is such a short-sighted take. My wife was prom queen… 3 years before I met her. I forgot about it completely until I read your post and thought, “what a childish thing to say, no one cares about that.” Why? Because I have 20 years of history with my wife. 2 children, a good job, a good life, and a happy family. Exactly 0% of that has anything to do with a prom that happened years before we met.
I want to live a long and happy life, and have as many days as possible with my wife, my children, and maybe their children (if they decide to have any). The things that worry me aren’t whether or not I’m having sex with a former prom queen, but how can I stay healthy so I can have a chance to make as many memories with the people I love as possible. It’s about whether or not they feel loved, accepted, and fulfilled. High school popularity has no value whatsoever to healthy, adjusted adults.
Have you ever heard of a metaphor?
In 100 years, very few of those people will be remembered. In 1000 years very, very few of them will have had a tangible, lasting impact on the world.
We are meaningless specs of dust in the universe. Don’t hold yourself accountable to imaginary standards being set by the rare few that manage to create a footprint a microcosim larger than the spec of dust they are. Enjoy yourself and create as much joy as you can in your tiny corner of reality as possible, and you’ll have lived a damn good life.
This idea that we have to be “productive” with our time is perhaps the biggest source of human suffering, not just for ones who feel guilty for not being productive, but also the overly ambitious psychos who force their “greatness” on everyone else (just think of tyrants who want to rule over others to make a name for themselves).
I 100% agree and just wanted to build off this comment if that’s alright.
Another side of this is hedonism vs fulfillment. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying hedonism, so long as one isn’t harming themselves or others in the process. But living purely to satiate one’s hedonism tends to lead to a sense of hollowness or unfulfillment.
In addition to letting go of non-destructive hedonistic shame, it’s important to take time to introspect and find what brings a person genuine fulfillment.
Time you’ve spent enjoying yourself is absolutely not time wasted.
I know what you mean, but keep in mind that you’re comparing yourself to everyone that made it. There’s over 6 billion people on earth, and you compare yourself to, what, 5 people? 10? 15?
I honestly didn’t really enjoy my past years. It’s not like I was partying in the time I’d be doing new projects.
That number is definitely not anywhere near 10 or 15. And I’m not comparing myself to “average” because I was never average. Median income globally is 12k$ per year, and half of the people are earn lower than that. I only compare myself with people from similar background as me, and I see numerous examples they just did better choices with their time and opportunities.Wait, you are 17? And think you need to have accomplished something already? No. No way. You can just develop into an adult version of yourself, that’s plenty enough to do for now.
Some people peak in high school, sure. But that’s sad, I think. Better to have a life that improves as you get older. You are the age of my youngest child, and my life now is better than it’s ever been. Hated being a kid & teenager, lacking control over my own life. Yes it feels like wasted time in a way, and yes I felt it hobbled me in terms of worldly ambition. But now? Don’t care. You can’t fix the past. Move forward.
I’m fearing I won’t develop into adult either. Not in the way that I could be satisfied
I could do so many stuff, I had absolutely nothing to do but I chose to do the most boring, most ordinary stuff, which does not help me in the slightestBut farther on you say you are trying to go to school out of country, that’s adventurous!
And of my own kids and step kids there’s not a lot of correlation between how successful they were early on, and what sort of success they have as adults.
In my own family the athletic but middling student was the only one with phenomenal worldly success, and I’m not at all sure he is happier for it. Second most financially successful is the one who just fucked off to some island for years and literally wasted time, then came back, went to school, started own business.
It’s never too late to start - I disagree entirely with the commenter who said adults are all stuck in a rut. It’s demonstrably untrue. There are many who find success at an older age, and even as a regular person my life is always changing, there are always new things to see, to read, to listen to, it’s fun to get lost and solve problems still.
But even if there was some rule about too late (and there’s not) you’d certainly not be near halfway there. Find things you actually like to do, and be nice to other people, that is how people get interesting. It may be hard to see from where you are, but you are in a great position. So much open road ahead. Build a life you can enjoy and try not to worry so much about meeting some bullshit goals or schedule.
I don’t know. Maybe the adults around me are lazy but literally all can’t move out of comfort zone, start something new.
Since you mentioned, yes I’m trying to study abroad (and it seems very likely). And I should be, because it has been my dream since 14 or something. But I only started preparing last year. Why? I just didn’t know I could study abroad. How could you be so blind that you can’t study abroad is a valid question that I can’t answer. I was misguided by all adults around me - just claimed it’s not possible until masters unless you get into a few super-selective high schools. But I could probably just open internet and ask the same question instead of taking the words of people that can’t even speak English. And I got confidence loss over not getting into these super-selective high schools (and not being able to study abroad), this effect combined with an unfortunate personal event got me into serious mental problems for around two years. This really wasn’t “I didn’t achieve good stuff because I partied too much” case, I didn’t enjoy my time doing unproductive stuff.
I was lucky enough I realized this is not the case later on by some means.
Looking at the opportunities of those students studying at international high schools in my country (which I was able to attend, but didn’t because I was not aware of the whole study abroad thing) who started this process 3 years ago and not 1 year, I’d probably get into Harvard or something of that sort - if I had these opportunities (which I could definitely have).
I just really feel far away from my true potential. I have huge regrets in non-academic areas of my life as well. I just didn’t make the best decisions for myself.And I’m scared of getting older because I see adults around me at 30s or 40s don’t move an inch from their comfort zone. “I want to do x” “This would be nice” but there are no steps towards whatever they’re thinking of. They just seem stuck. I’m not sure getting married or having kids is what actually causes this effect though.
It seems so real I’ll study in the country I want to settle in, because I might think “nah I can’t spend more effort moving somewhere else, I don’t need more trouble”There is no telling your future but from this one post I think you may find yourself more successful than you think. The fact you have realized that you are unhappy where you are is a big motivator to change that. Look at what you are planning on doing, studying abroad is a big step. It may not feel like it to you but it is.
I agree with all the other posts that comparing yourself to others is fruitless because you are not them. But if you really want to do something spectacular then go for it. What that is ? Who knows? And you don’t need to know right now. Just go out and learn about as many different things that you can. You never know where good ideas come from. Also meet as many different people as you can one big factor in doing great things is knowing great people. It will also make your experiences much more broad and interesting.
Say ‘yes’ to doing crazy (though non-life threatening) stuff
Take a class in some subject that you find really weird and/or uncomfortable
Ask for help when you need it.
Take a weird job
quit the weird job
Find a passion
find others that have that passion
get bored with that passion
Ask out someone that you think is wayyyy outside your league
I could keep going but its all great experiences and you will start to notice that you are caring less and less about the success of others because you are living your life.
Sorry for the rambling, but honestly this random internet stranger is actually quite envious of you and the life you have in front of you.
I was going to study abroad or settle somewhere else sooner or later, I just don’t see anything relevant to this country anymore. I don’t really feel attached to anywhere to be honest: family, friends, country, anything that comes to mind. And I love travel, and I feel sick when I stay in some place for too long. Studying abroad is the best option for me.
I’m just too late, and despite my tremendous effort (including but not limited to completely messing up my sleep schedule for work) since last year, I see people are much better in their position because they just started things earlier. Did the right things. Had a network of people that guided them well. And as I’m typing this here perhaps someone else started something I’d love to do.
I’ll take your advice though, thanks for suggestions
Now it’s my turn to tell you basically what a lot of people here have already said, but maybe you can get something extra out of this telling.
Everyone who was mega-successful, in old age or young, has had a huge advantage somewhere that people rarely talk about. There are no exceptions to this, only cases where those advantages are lost to time or secrecy. And nearly every time, family wealth is involved in some way. Usually directly, but even if they never got a penny, being in a wealthy family brings you so many casual advantages.
You’re comparing yourself to people who were dealt winning hands from the start. Like, a kid who gets a patent at a young age? Someone was coaching them, possibly someone with an agenda. Invents a new plastic? Uh-huh, at what age did they get into polymer chemistry? Who even told them polymer chemistry even existed? There’s something else going on there. Don’t let the media gaslight you into thinking you’re “behind.”
It’s okay to be you! It’s not a race, and even if it was, the people you’re comparing yourself to had a gigantic head start.
I don’t disagree with portions of your sentiment, but your declaration that LITERALLY EVERYONE who accomplishes ANYTHING was only able to do so because of an unfair advantage… that’s just wildly ignorant.
This specific example jumped out at me…
Invents a new plastic? Uh-huh, at what age did they get into polymer chemistry? Who even told them polymer chemistry even existed? There’s something else going on there. Don’t let the media gaslight you into thinking you’re “behind.”
So, you believe that simply learning about a specific scientific discipline is somehow getting an unfair advantage?
The reason why your example jumped out at me is because 30something years ago, when I was in like, grade 2 or 3, we had a special lecture in science class from a local kid who discovered a some kind of new polymer that would be used in underground cable and pipe laying because it would allow tree and plant roots to grow through them without the entire structure failing catastrophically. This kid was the older brother of one of my classmates. They were a typical blue collar family, but they were more known as a family of jocks due to their taller stature. This kid was the outlier in his family. They didn’t have any kind of wealth or family connections. He was just a smart kid who got into chemistry and managed to get onto a good college program that led him to his breakthrough moment.
Maybe? We’re fighting anecdotes with anecdotes here, there is no way I can examine your statement when it’s entirely a friend-of-a-friend memory. I take issue with your “wildly ignorant” statement (of course), and stand by my point. And it’s not learning about a discipline, it’s the opportunity to learn about it.
Just ignore these people if you can. There’s a major push on at present, all over the internet this exact argument is being made again and again.
There’s no such thing as merit or hard work. Everything is systemic racism and class privilege. Nothing is earned, everything is given - unless you happen to be BIPOC, in which case you are the master of your own universe and a humble genius just waiting for your chance to shine.
It’s intentional racism to try and even the playing field after centuries of genuine systemic racism, but it isn’t organic and it isn’t right. Don’t let them take up too much headspace.
They had resources, usually from high school, or yes their family led them a bit as well. But the thing is I could have the same resources as well, if I didn’t sleep around while choosing my high school. Or even then, I could just go ask around, I’d definitely get something if I woke up and asked everyone around “I want to invent something”. Ask on internet literally. I didn’t.
It’s not “media” in the conventional sense. I just casually asked someone from a good high school what do best students look like.Comparing yourself to others people’s accomplishments is never going to end well. It’s completely natural for us to do, but if it’s not done to achieve inspiration, then it’s almost always a negative thought process.
At the end of the day the people you describe are no better than you, their accomplishments don’t make them better people. Their accomplishments only have value if you chose to give them that, and in the same token value can be given to things in your life that you might not necessarily deem worthy enough it be an ‘accomplishment’.
If you keep this mindset you’ll soon find yourself downplaying your own actual accomplishments. I.e., “Yeah, I got a good grade in that class but only because X.” “Yeah, I have a nice job lined up, but only because Y.” It’s a toxic mindset to have.
Everything comes with a cost. To be successful in one area means missing out in others. Everyone likes to post their success on Facebook or LinkedIn, but they also don’t post about all the evenings spent arguing with their wife or missing out on their children growing up or whatever. Success is not easily defined.
Most people like to keep things balanced, as in not having extreme losses in one area, but that also means that they’re not successful in something particular. That kind of balance is a success in itself, though it’s rather invisible.
You’re not supposed to do anything in your life. When the grim reaper comes along you won’t be able to bring it along.
You’re not dead. Be successful in whatever you want.
The best time to make a change in your life was 10 years ago, the second best time is now.
Don’t base your happiness on your achievements as compared to others. Life isn’t deterministic, every person is working with a different set of skills and circumstances. Set your own goals based on what you want to do, and work toward that.
If you don’t know what you want to do, start trying new things.
Hell, If I clean/do chores, exercise, or cook a meal after work I call it a win for that day.
I do the reverse. If there was something else I could do that day, it’s lost. And goddamn so often I do mistakes and feel bad about it.
This is the result of alienation from your labor that capitalism excells at, get hobbies or start organizing as a way to break out of it.
We don’t need to change the entire god damn system to be useful, but at least building towards it is infinitely more rewarding than doing nothing IMO
Comparison is the thief of joy. Life just is.
Life has no purpose. You cannot waste it. You only live and die. Do what you want, or don’t. It doesn’t matter.
Looks like someone has been reading the book of Ecclesiastes!
For a long time our goal was simply to survive and maybe have sex a few times. Now we’re suddenly under pressure to “accomplish” things but not that many people are really wired for it. There’s a reason some of the best creatives are weirdos and assholes.
Not really. After having been through some deaths and illnesses of people close to me, every normal day is a good day to me. No news is good news, I can live my life quietly and how I want.
As for success in life, if I take care of myself, try not to make things around me worse, and try to help others I’m pretty happy with that. In my work we make a few products from scratch so I feel like I contribute to society.
I’ve improved my life quite a lot but it’s hard to give advice to others.
The comparison mindset is really bad though. It literally doesn’t matter what another monkey on this planet does. Your thoughts about how to improve your life are ones you have to discuss with yourself (maybe guided by a therapist). There is no wrong way to live but you have to make the choice on how you want to.
I know this might be dangerous to think about but I don’t feel good about what I have done myself without any guidance in the past. Like, not at all. I want to take advantage of many opportunities around me and be the best of myself. I’ve been taking some steps especially since last year but I think I’m still missing the main idea.
I could say I haven’t really defined a “purpose” in my life, but I can see these kind of people are definitely somewhere close to what I might want to head towards.Being the best “yourself” you can be is definitely a good goal to have.
However, it doesn’t really sound like you’re trying to be the best “yourself”. You’re looking around you and see these other people doing stuff. Would you ever have arrived at these conclusions yourself if you had never seen these “successful” people around you?
You’re seeing what is theoretically possible if your life was set up in another way i.e. you were a different person. But you’re not. All these people you’re seeing around you had very specific upbringing, opportunities, genetics etc etc all of which you’re not privy to.
Everyone theoretically wants to have had a successful company. Or wants to have had a groundbreaking discovery. Or whatever. But very very few people actually do these things, even if they try hard, mostly those things happen because circumstances in some way set themselves up for these people.
Of course you have to work towards these kind of things to have any chance at them. But that’s the thing, those people actually wanted to do those things more than pretty much anything else very early in life. That wasn’t because they are just better people, no, it was just because probably their parents or something else instilled some sense of need for specific achievement within them. You didn’t get that, so you didn’t do these things.
We’re entering very philosophical territory. Let me give you some more food for thought.
As perspective, 99% of people never do anything like the stuff you mentioned in their life. And many of these people live a very content and happy life. Are 99% of people wasting their life? Only the ones that aren’t content?
What is the end result of, for example, having an amazing startup? How will your life look like, if you do or do not have that, in 10 years? 50 years? 100 years? 1000 years? 10 million years?
Is it of utmost importance that you have had (something like) a successful startup before you die? What if you’re one of those 99% that chase it but never reach it? What if you had not “wasted” your life like you say, but still failed at achieving your goal? It’s very normal for that to happen.
For me personally, I know that I’m not great at anything much. I have achieved nothing noteworthy. I have no real goals I need to achieve. My only real goal is to be as morally good a person as I can be. I have not a lot of money. I have no family.
Yet I am perfectly happy. I think that it’s absolutely irrelevant what exactly I do with my life. I do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it, and if I don’t, that’s fine as well. Life does not have a goal state.Would you ever have arrived at these conclusions yourself if you had never seen these “successful” people around you?
I wasn’t really content with my life in general when I didn’t start to hear about the successful people either. I mean, it’s pretty rare to see I am content with myself in general. But if I didn’t hear about them I’d assume that’s just what it is I guess
You’re seeing what is theoretically possible if your life was set up in another way i.e. you were a different person. But you’re not. All these people you’re seeing around you had very specific upbringing, opportunities, genetics etc etc all of which you’re not privy to.
Honestly it was perfectly possible I could go back in time and just not mess up some things and be perfectly close to whatever people I envy on. I could count not-so-hard-to-miss mistakes and it’d take forever to finish. I didn’t really miss anything that others had, perhaps some guidance. But I think it is up to me to guide myself. Like, it’s not like my parents are supposed to guide me for everything, nor teachers or friends etc. So I consider being unguided as a “me problem” as well
As perspective, 99% of people never do anything like the stuff you mentioned in their life. And many of these people live a very content and happy life. Are 99% of people wasting their life? Only the ones that aren’t content?
I think it’s kind of a perspective thing. I just feel like I need these for myself because of personality or traits etc. Others might not.
Just remember that you don’t see the negative parts of these people’s lives. Not taking anything away from their accomplishments, and it’s great to aim high. Anything that can inspire you to take action to improve your life is a good thing. However, I promise they still have things they regret, time they feel was wasted, and moments of feeling unsatisfied.
Let’s not even think about these as “accomplishments”. I really don’t think they’re as unpleased about what they’re doing as much as I do, hence the title. Of course everyone have their regrets, that’s not my point really. I need to do better because I feel the lack of it, isn’t this valid enough?
I need to do better because I feel the lack of it, isn’t this valid enough?
Like I said, anything that motivates you to improve your life is a great thing imo. So yeah, if you feel unfulfilled, of course that’s a valid sign that you should absolutely do more challenging or meaningful things. My point is just that when you compare yourself to others, you’re comparing your whole self with their public self. You know your own doubts, insecurities, etc, but not theirs. So it’s not a totally fair comparison. In the same way, other people could look at you doing well academically and envy your position, because they don’t know that despite that success you are feeling unsatisfied.
When you look at someone else’s life, you only see the Highlights Reel. You don’t hear about all the boring in between moments, their struggles with imposter syndrome and insecurities, their relational arguments or troubles with their family, all the BS.
Life isn’t about keeping up.
It’s a parlor trick, magically coming into existence for a fraction of a moment in this infiniteness of time and space. The best thing we can do is cherish the miracle and squeeze the most happiness for the time we have. It’s respecting life.
For some, that means service to others. For others, it’s patenting science projects. And then there’s those that find it in an honest job, being good to people they love, and exploring hobbies from time to time.
Happiness is definitely not a contest. Especially one that you put yourself through fully knowing you won’t win.
But if you feel like you need more value in your life, it’s never too late to do something new.
This is what happens when you grow up with boomers in your ear, yelling at you to get a job and make a family. They insist that’s what life is about. But it’s not. Life is about being happy. When it boils down to it, that’s all we really want. Even terrible people do what they do because it makes them happy.
I’m only just taking my baby steps out of this mindset. I learned I can do things no one else around me can. Some may not be marketable skills, but that’s not always necessary.
I don’t work. Thanks to autistic burnout, I’m a shell of my former self. But in that time, I have saved 11 kitten lives and given 3 very short lives happiness they never would have seen otherwise. I’ve brought kittens from the brink of death by starvation to stocky, healthy kittens who now have loving homes. It takes time and effort to do that. One was so sick from starvation he barely moved, and I got him strong enough to get up and play.
It’s not worth any money to have this talent. Not to me anyway. They are all attached to a shelter that makes the money. They make me happy.
It’s not about “pacing up” as you say, or making a mark in history. We need those people, but you don’t need to be one of them. If everyone made breakthroughs, they wouldn’t be as important. The bar would just get set even higher. You make a difference to the people around you. I don’t value my life, but I learned to appreciate that other people do value my life, and that’s good enough.
Let me just say that besides you doing a great thing you’ve put it so eloquently. It made so much sense in my head. You’re having an impact on the lives of those cats. Thank you!
Thanks! I’m glad it makes sense.
