Homophobes: “We can’t legalize gay marriage! The birth rate would collapse! If men could marry men, then what reasonable man would ever choose to marry a disgusting, weak, woman over a strong, virile, muscular, sweaty, musky, oily, maaaannnnnn…”

The rest of us: Dude. Bro. Dude.

via SMBC:

13 year old: “I’ll just take the death penalty, thanks."

I’ve actually learned to recognize when people expect me to finish a sentence for them and then just wait for them to finish it themselves.

Them: “Hi, I’m looking for a Stephen King book, and I was wondering if you could…”

Me: “…”

Them: “…” [meaningful look]

Me: “…” [blank questioning stare]

Them: “…help me find it?”

Me: “Oh, of course! It’s right this way.”

It’s a fun little game to play with conversational expectations.

You Made It Weird, with Pete Holmes. Really fucking funny comedian Pete has had lots of interesting guests. Usually starts with relatively normal stuff, but usually by the end of any given episode he gets into “Do you believe in God?”, “What do you think happens when we die?”, and “You ever do ayahuasca?” territory. Pete is SMART and has been going on his own spiritual and philosophical journey for a while, and it feels like every guest is another step on that journey. Look up the episode list and find someone you like and listen to their conversation.

unless we have a major nuclear exchange

I was going to say, it really depends on just how hard we go on the “let’s kill everyone” vibe.

Under a blanket. In any weather. I have cold urticaria, where if my skin feels even the slight chill of cool sheets, it assumes I must be under attack and deploys just enough histamines to make me feel itchy and keep me from sleeping. It fucking sucks. I’ve just barely learned to cope with it.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable.

My uncle was a small-herd fairy farmer my entire life. Never had more than a couple dozen cows at a time, always knew all of them by name. He kept on getting squeezed out by larger and larger operations. He eventually went grass-fed organic to try and stay competitive. Then he told me that the large operations have organic mini-farms that they operate. The cows there are kept organic… but only so long as they remain in perfect health. The instant one gets sick, she gets moved over to the bigger factory operation and is pumped full of all the antibiotics that all the rest are kept on.

So, while my uncle is keeping a small herd and who has both financial and moral reasons for wanting to maintain his cows that way, a large factory farm can maintain a nominal organic operation, undercutting small fries like my uncle, but actually only keeping their cows organic for exactly as long as it’s convenient, and not a moment longer.

My uncle is retired now, but it hurt me to hear him tell that story. We ought to care about small family farms, but we keep letting capitalist “efficiency” turn every aspect of life on Earth into a market-optimized hellscape.

What is Blue Flannel McWidestance holding? A hammer? Pry bar? Cattle prod? What the fuck?

Honestly, given the available evidence, this is just as likely an outcome as any other.

I’m pretty sure they just had us brute-force memorize all of the single digit additions and multiplications in grade school. Seemed to work out okay for me.

I haven’t used AeroPress, but I appreciate that the French press is equally useful for making both hot and cold brew coffee. Mine is all-metal and you could just about beat someone to death with it.

“Mr. Franklin, of what use is this hot air balloon contraption?”

“You can take ladies up in it with a bottle of wine and a blanket and you know, they can’t refuse, because of the implication. Think about it. She’s floating up in the middle of the sky with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around, and what does she see? Nothing but open air. 'Ahhhh! There’s nowhere for me to run. What am I gonna do, say ‘no?’”

Surveys indicate that 100% of people respond to surveys.

Pig is a masterclass in not telling the audience more than they absolutely need to know. I’ve gotten so sick of movies where the dialog repeats itself for the benefit of people who weren’t paying attention thirty seconds ago, or else it constantly spells out stuff that rightly ought to be conveyed by the actions of the characters. Pig is the antithesis of that. Characters hardly say anything that they don’t need to say, and everything else is left to the viewer to figure out. I fucking love it.

Electric kettle.

Bone conduction headphones.

Rechargeable head lamp.

Nice EDC knife.

Driving gloves.

A really good insulated cup.

French press.

Digital kitchen scale.

Slow cooker.

Except for “Fuck the Pain Away.” That’s about clipping grocery store coupons.

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