Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I effortlessly make them question their beliefs and feelings. Hearing that didn’t sit well with me, especially since I’ve been pondering the question in the title for quite some time.

I’ve always been quite critical of myself and don’t consider myself a very nice person. When I discover that someone doesn’t enjoy being around me, I don’t blame them one bit. It’s not like I’m intentionally mean or abusive; quite the opposite, actually. I have very strong morals. However, this includes things like not lying, which means I always speak the truth, even if not everyone likes hearing it. I don’t conform to many social norms expected of me.

Despite all of this, I have deep relationships with several people and especially the elderly and for example the parents of my past girlfriends have all liked me a lot. But I can’t help but wonder why they don’t see me as I see myself. I worry that I’m hiding the true me so well that people don’t actually like me, but rather the facade I unknowingly maintain. Then again, a true psychopath probably wouldn’t be second-guessing themselves in this manner.

  • MacedWindow@lemmy.world
    21·
    10 months ago

    Well I wasn’t going to comment because I thought everyone here was going to say “you’re describing everyone we all feel that way” but I guess not haha

    Everything you said in your original post is something I’ve said when describing myself to my SO or friends. I’ve been called condescending and I’ve worked very hard to not be that way. Sometimes when I start hanging out with someone new or get a new coworker I can tell by first impressions they aren’t going to like me. Nowadays I can usually turn it around but in the past I would just try not to bother them. People will say “why do you hate me?” and it will catch me off guard because I dont feel that way at all.

    I’m also told I can be very argumentative. I get that less now as I am more aware of it, but people who know me know that I am passionate about my opinions.

    I don’t have any advice besides thank people who give you feedback. Being yourself doesn’t mean not working on your social skills, they can be trained like anything else. I’ve definitely learned better habits, I have more and closer friends through years of work and introspection.

    Also you are not a psychopath and there isn’t anything wrong with you. Most likely your social type isn’t the majority and you have to work a bit harder to gel with the mainstream. Its just something to be aware of. I often feel like my '“true self” is hidden from others, so I try to be as real as possible with my SO and my closest friends.

    • astraeus@programming.dev
      4·
      10 months ago

      I relate to this. People who know me know that my thoughts and the things I say can be quite challenging. I’ve never been one to simply accept what’s considered acceptable. I always question everything, I’m always thinking about how things can change and be different.

      I’m always hoping to help people see what can improve their lives, but sometimes it’s not our place to say things or do things to help other people like that. A lot of people don’t want someone who can see their weakness and try to show them a way to improve, it’s demeaning and insulting to most people.

      I’ve always tried to have a positive outlook on constructive criticism, but what constitutes constructive criticism and something further is a lot different for one person than it is for the next.

      Also, I should clarify that sometimes what we think is the right path to solving an issue isn’t always the right path for someone at all. It’s a huge presumption to think that we can analyze a person’s life and make the best choices for them. Heck, I can hardly even do that with my own life, let alone someone else’s.