This woman is a nightmare, her name is Susan, and Susan recently started swallowing the supplies and we have to wait for her to poop them out if we want to use them. And as if that wasn’t bad enough she makes us talk her out for a walk whenever we want anything. Yesterday I took Susan for a walk and had to wait ten minutes for her to shit out a stapler.

You don’t need any of that nonsense. Real men insulate themselves with their feelings. As for electricity, I make that myself. They don’t call me the love dynamo for no reason.

Best thing to do is just fry the egg rolls inside your bowels. First you coat your lower intestines with aluminum foil, then you shove in the egg rolls and pour in the hot oil.

50" inch screen, money green leather sofa

You’re literally fucking the plants like some giant pervert bee if you do that.

“Jared Leto is innocent until proven guilty, now excuse Jared Leto, Jared Leto has some teens to sext.”

The Polar Platybear has a bill, is amphibious, venomous too, with razor sharp claws, stands 10 feet tall and weighs about 1300 pounds.

I’m sure the spider tried

Yes, dad bought it for her after mom killed herself. It’s still in the box.

Not during hole time!

Calling it here, Costco is going to use the genetic information to create the perfect hot dog.

When I plowed through that kindergarten I didn’t get as much as a single dent. If that isn’t an endorsement, then I don’t know what is.

Here’s a little known fact that is not true, which will bring some nuance to the previous anecdote, Benjamin Franklin ate babies.

Replace all the customer facing employees with chimpanzees with webcams that say in sign language: read what’s on the website. Whenever someone calls in or opens a chat, they’re connected with a chimp. Be sure to also include a guide to ASL on the company website. I guarantee sales will go up

You had one consistent habit, which was moving through the world untested and unmedicated. Most of your success can be attributed to this habit.

Or maybe double down: “I live in my car.”

Then you just give them a hug and tell them everything will be ok.

We will turn you into the 6 million dollar cockroach

in the last season Aria kills that ice king guy while wearing Ed Sheeran’s face. She leaps from the trees, catches the king off guard and yells: “Nobody expects to be killed by Ed Sheeran!”

It would’ve been much better if Aria slit his throat moment he tried to reach for an instrument