Researchers are ecstatic at the prospect that they may have finally discovered the region of space from which Ozzy Osbourne came to this planet.

Overthrow the tyrants that keep us in chains! Physically occupy residential property en masse and claim squatter’s rights. Bring back crucifixion for white collar criminals on Wall Street. Raid the pharmaceutical industry’s warehouses and distribute medication for free. In Minecraft, of course.

And both guards fell asleep simultaneously. And no inmate had successfully committed suicide in that facility in over 20 years. And…

Meanwhile, the economy rich people’s yacht money is doing fantastic by every metric.

The horn plays the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

If those spelunkers could read, they’d be very upset.

Holiday special: Make one campaign contribution at a fixed amount, get two more campaign contributions made on your credit card in variable amounts in the near future. Merry Christmas!

I tied a ROFLcopter to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to make a shitpost cost a cheeseburger, and in those days, cheeseburgers came with pictures of cats on 'em. “I can has cheezburger,” you’d say.

“Tell the red dot to come out or everybody gets it!”

“Tell President Zuckerberg my only regret is that I have but one life to give to block his ads.”

That’s why I start off every date by throwing a chair across the room and screaming at a random stranger.

If you can’t handle me at my rude and unreasonable chicken, you don’t deserve my strange juice.

Terrible parenting. If you’re going to go to the trouble of yeeting your baby at least do it properly with a baby trebuchet.

What is dead may never die!

They must be protected from Admiral Zhao!

Primal scream therapy. Great for keeping you awake. Plus it keeps terrified coworkers from bothering you at all ever.

I remember someone telling me to look at the driver to be reminded it’s a person and not a machine. Honestly, that makes it several orders of magnitude worse. It’s not a car going 20 under in the passing lane during rush hour, it’s a flesh and blood human being causing the car to go 20 under in the passing lane. It’s a choice being made by a human. That’s so, so much worse.

Forget it, Rider. It’s Adventure Bay.

Claiming to have missed a message is ~1/4 of all the messages I send. I’m not about to provide proof that I’m lying.

He’s probably pinin’ for the fXords.