I can do that! I am a human!

I zan tough ty[e thos well.

No crack, just the craic.

Pressing your tongue hard against the roof of your mouth can prevent sneezing.

It’s actually purely logical!

What’s the logic that can guarantee your first move won’t be a mine?

Edit to add: Norsemen was great, loved it.

I’m old. Sometimes you stand up and one just toots out of its own volition. Or when you sit down. Or stay standing up. Or sitting down. What I’m saying is grab the air freshener, the train’s a’coming!

Or lift and let flop. Having them swing freely is nice.

Cat. Bob. Cat.

I don’t often do a whole chicken but I do often grab a pack of chicken wings (£1.50 for more than I can eat in a single sitting) and sling them in the air fryer for 20 minutes. Man, I love chicken wings.

My friends are very proud 'boro supporters who have season tickets etc. I doubt they’d agree with you but their judgement is questionable.

Been there once that I recall - friends from university came from up that way. Surely if you’re going for a takeaway in Middlesbrough you get a parmo?

I live in one of the places that frequently gets in the top ten best places in the country to live. Not sure I’d agree, but then I’m a country boy at heart.

Haven’t been there in many years, but I’m sure it’s actually very lovely.

They also offer bacon, garlic sausage, salami, meatballs, Tandoori chicken, and ‘Mexican’ chicken whatever that is.

So the Hossenfeffer only has 40% of their meat choices.

And, yes, it’s ironic, I know, that they don’t do rabbit.

Minor: on a rough Channel crossing, a friend stepped outside to throw up, but was facing into the wind. Face covered. He looked like the shittest panda ever when he took his specs off.

Medium: back in my university days I hung around with some 13th century reenactment types. One of them was walking up a grass bank and stabbing his broadsword into the ground to give himself something to hold on to as he went. Then he missed the ground and stabbed himself in the foot, right through his boot. He threw the boot away in anger, but one of my housemates rescued it and put it in pride of place on our mantlepiece. The best part was when the guy realised he didn’t have any other boots to wear so had to come around, ask for the boot back so he could stitch it up and wear it again. AKA the medieval equivalent of shooting yourself in the foot.

Major: I once saw a car ignore the lights and sirens of a fire engine at a crossroads and drive into the side of it at about 40 mph / 65 kph. The fire engine was on its way to a fire so the water tanks would have been full. It barely rocked from the impact but the entire engine compartment of the car displaced into the passenger compartment.

My local pizza place has an off-menu pizza called the Hossenfeffer since it’s what I order every time. Deep pan, spicy beef x 2, spicy pork x 2, lamb doner (gyro) meat x 2, pepperoni, jalapenos x 2, fresh green chilles.

Can he prove it? Has he done a DNA test?

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Fridge Wanker.

compo face

I mean, out of 8.3 billion people, sure, I’m in a minority, but so are Americans. Like everyone in America is 4% of the global population and I know some people were tuning into that Kid Rock thing instead.

I am not in, or from, the US and have watched the Super Bowl pretty much every year since 1984.