All of my local grocery stores offer sushi, and all of the signs say the same thing: “sushi under new management” and the signs never change. You’re not going to trick me like that, colluding grocery store chains.

“I’m Hatin’ It!”

we have to be able to forgive and start building bridges together

This is a nice-sounding sentiment, but in practice it just means not prosecuting Republican crimes during the brief periods when Democrats have a small bit of power. I’d be happy to forgive Republicans … after they’ve been frog-marched to prison. Letting them off the hook has always meant they just come back worse than ever.

There’s one other important lesson capitalists can learn from Steve Jobs: eat a lot of fruit instead of getting chemotherapy.

Americans don’t love freedom, they love being special.

Yeah, we love our own freedom, not freedom for other people.

It’s like Requiem for a Dream. Great movie, would recommend it to anyone except my elderly mother, am not gonna fuckin ever watch it a second time.

I’ve been feeding my local crows unsalted shelled peanuts for more than five years. They know me and fly into the tree above my driveway and caw when they see me. They’re still not at all comfortable around me and won’t come down for the nuts until I go back inside. They’ve never given me any kind of gift unless you count the bird shit on my car.

They’re like a Marvel movie in terms of power comparison. If a hawk shows up, they will chase it away. Meanwhile, a single bluejay a tenth their size will chase off five crows by itself. And the crows will just stand there glumly watching a squirrel eat all their peanuts.

Oh no! I’m also shaped like a vagina.

I’m a school bus driver. A few years ago I was about to switch to a different route, and was riding in the seats with my elementary school kids while the driver who was taking over drove and learned the route. This was towards the end of COVID and I had always worn a mask while driving. The kids said “we’ve never seen you without a mask. Would you take it off?” I said sure why not and took it off. A second-grade girl said “wow, you’re really cute, would you marry me?” The entire rest of the bus, sixty-some kids in perfect unison, went “EWWWWWWW!”

The extra-amusing thing is that I look like David Letterman in his “meth Santa” phase, complete with a foot-long snow-white beard and bald head. I’m still worried about that little girl.

Nik Fury … because he can’t c.

reporting from Bloomberg on April 1

Um …

I’ve long said that the more people you add to a software project, the longer it will take and the worse the final product will be. Your scenario describes one of the many reasons why this is the case.

Not many people know that “Baba Yaga” is the real name of the song, not “Teenage Wasteland”.

Mine was $300 (a '76 Rabbit) and a couple of weeks later I got rear-ended and his insurance company totaled my car and gave me a $700 check. The car wasn’t any worse than before I got hit and I drove it another three years, so -$400 for three years of car.

No way in hell I could buy a new car. They cost more than my house.

I want to say he’s mistaking it for the Belgian Congo, but he would have loved that place.

The fourth was extremely embarrassing as well, although who cares at that point. There’s a defender there watching Lukaku literally flat-footed, even though there was nobody else around for him to guard.

At least with the header we had two defenders closely marking the guy, even though that just made it an even more spectacular goal.

What amuses me is the soccer fans here who think we’re going to get better. I first encountered this in '94 when we (the US) hosted the world cup and got spanked by a Brazil team playing with 10 players. It’s like Indians saying they’re going to be good at basketball soon (they aren’t, because they love cricket).

I had a friend who used to help out an old lady like this in his neighborhood. She had no children and when she died she left him a couple million dollars and her house. He had no idea she had anything.

I wish I could find this again, but there’s a Pathe newsreel from 1946 or thereabouts that shows the coming wonders of mobile phones. It even has a man at the grocery store calling his wife to ask what brand of beans she wants. Of course the “phone” was basically a walkie-talkie with a huge backpack, but they had the principle exactly right.