I grew up in a cult. I learned real quick that the only answer is “I’m fine thanks”. any negativity implied I was out of gods favor and that I was being punished for sinning. So seeking help only ever lead to inquisitorial shit.

It helps to understand what is being communicated here. It’s not a genuine request for your health status, it’s a friendly greeting. The last thing anyone wants in response to “how are you” is a list of everything that’s wrong with you. If you struggle to cope with replying “fine” or equivalent, refuse to answer the question and respond instead with something like “hi/hello!”. The non-sequitur will jar them for a moment and hopefully they’ll learn not to ask dumb questions.

As this thread demonstrates, there are plenty of ways to say “I’m doing terrible, actually” without breaking the social contract. If I’m having an awful day, my go-to is “hangin’ in there, how are you?”

The last part is important. Some people don’t want to talk about how you’re doing (maybe they don’t have the emotional bandwidth at the moment, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they just don’t care) so give them an out, a clear signal of something else they can discuss without seeming rude. The easiest way is to return the question, but you can also just jump into the imminent topic of conversation, like:

“How are you?”

“Keeping on keeping on. Hey, just wanted to reach out about that thing on page 4, do you have a minute?”

Or if they started the conversation and you don’t know what it’s about, there’s always “Takin’ it one day at a time, eh? What can I do for you?”

The biggest “risk” of this approach is that someone may offer sympathy or ask you what happened, which is a whole new set of protocols. But for me it’s worth it to not have to lie.

Here in Brazil (at least in my state) we usually say “Tudo bem?” which translates to “Is everything fine?” (in a casual way, not an emotional way) so it’s more of a yes-or-no question. If I’m doing well or neutral, I’ll just say “Tudo certo.” (All is well.), if I’m not, then I just say “Mais ou menos.” (More or less.) or “Não, e você?” (No, what about you?).

Honestly just saying I’m fine to someone I don’t know doesn’t bother me at all, although if it’s someone I know better I would rather be honest with them.

In Ireland it’s common to say “not too bad”

Just stop treating it as communication. It’s a symbolic protocol that means “hello”. It’s a handshake.

And don’t rely on your clients to be the ones you open up to. Join a men’s group or a women’s circling group, so you have someone to communicate with.

I do. It’s a cultural façade for both sides, one to pretend it cares, the other to pretend it’s being honest.

My response is:

Good, as long as I don’t think about it.

I’ve been saying “I don’t know” to the “how are you doing” question for about 20 years. It’s pretty good. 95% of the time that’s the end of the conversation. 5% of the time a dialogue that isn’t mundane happens.

Client: Hi, how are you today? You: good afternoon.

Client: Hi, how are you today? You: is it Friday yet? asking for a friend.

Client: Hi, how are you today? You: I’m surviving, it beats the alternative (fake chuckle) , what can I do for you today?

Client Hi, how are you today? You: Fluffy, he was my anchor, my pivot, the only thing in life worth living… Nah, I’m just fucking with ya. You’re here, I’m here, lets get shit done.

Lying in general wears me down, but if I told a client or passer-by how I’m actually doing I’d be drugged out of my mind in a padded room by the end of the week. Occasionally I “squeak by” with a “Any day above ground, right?” This can’t be healthy.

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People in this thread have made good suggestions about how you can be a tad more honest while also keeping things brief and polite. I found this surprisingly effective in making me feel less hollow, but something that really helped me was having friends who I could be completely honest with when they asked how I was doing.

You might not have friends like that. Certainly, I have found that when I’m tired and depressed is when I am most distant from would-be friends, and there have been times when I have effectively had to build up a support network from scratch (which is especially difficult when depressed). Or you may have friends who you hold at arm’s length because you don’t want to burden them with how you’re feeling. I may be projecting here, but when I have been depressed in the past, I end up feeling like I’m almost “infectious”, and I end up withdrawing. If you relate to this at all, try to resist the instinct to isolate. Try your best to put yourself in situations where you could meet people, such as if any hobbies you have had (or considered) have a social component to them. If you’re starting from nothing (which I’m assuming you are, given your aforementioned loneliness), a large chunk of forcing yourself to engage with things will feel like a chore, but in my experience, that’s the only way out (ideally paired with professional support, if available)

“Anyone else here feel like that? If so, how do y’all cope?”

My honest answer to that is either “I don’t know if I am coping”, or “solidarity”. My above response may sound like I’m relatively coping, but in many ways I’m not. The times when I feel like I’m most achieving what I need to in life are often the times I feel most exhausted. In a way, it would be nice if I could think of myself as struggling due to some innate brokenness, but there are so many people struggling in the same way we are that it’s abundantly clear that our material conditions are the problem. It’s depressing to see how many people feel the same as I do. But it doesn’t make me feel less alone, and that feeling is something I cling to. It’s something, at least.

Nope. I’m good 👍

I’ve mostly said “good” or “alright” or some of that cause if I tell people how I really feel, they suggest institutionalizing me