When I was in 2nd grade, I was stuck in a corner for participating too much. This character flaw has followed me all my life. My ex told me people didn’t like me because I shared my thoughts too much, and I just got feedback from my boss about the same thing.

The thing is, I’ve tried to stop my whole life. I only participate maybe 10% of the time, and I generally try to let others speak first unless no one is speaking up. But I’m still getting this feedback. I’m like a bull in a china shop, knocking down everyone no matter how careful I try to be.

The only solution I can come up with is to assume no one wants to hear from me and disengage. Stop caring, stop thinking, and stop participating altogether. I already feel isolated from everyone. This is just making it worse. I think I have to face the fact that I’m not welcome in any degree.

Any other ideas?

  • CoachDom@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    11·
    1 year ago

    I had a similar issue and two things helped.

    1. I once heard that people like to talk more than listen (which was true for me). In addition, a great conversationalist is a person that ask and listens - not the loud, funny outspoken one. People will have a laugh and will listen to you for a little while, but will eventually get bored because they didn’t have an opportunity to participate themselves. So what I started doing now is asking a lot of questions, even if I’m not 100% genuinely interested in the answer, but eventually the other person will say something that will bring us closer together and will give us something to talk about. The second rule of this game, is to try as hard as possible not to say anything unless asked. This is the hard part :D But once you catch yourselves giving opinions/story telling unprompted - stop - back to asking questions.

    You wouldn’t believe how much it changed my life. I used to be extremely nervous about going out 1v1 even with my close friends, out of fear of “What are we going to talk about?”“What if there is going to be an awkward silence” etc. Now I thrive and I love hearing from people, what’s new in their lives and so on. And I noticed people like to talk to me a lot more too!

    1. Realise that “opinions are like assholes - everyone has got one” - and this works in two ways. Respect that your opinion is not definite and final - listen and maybe somebody will say something that will make you revaluate your “truths”. Learn. That’s the only way to grow. Also, don’t give opinion unless asked - sometimes people just need to vent. Not always you need to be there to fix things or correct them.

    Just be respectful, wait for your time when called upon and enjoy the conversation. You know your opinions - by saying them out loud you just repeat what you already know. It’s time to find out what other people are thinking :)

      • CoachDom@lemmy.blahaj.zone
        8·
        1 year ago

        Not 100% true. Some people are more egocentric, like us, but they never look out for any other way of being. These people, will talk and talk and talk for hours, unprompted. Nobody asks them, because they will talk anyway.

        You, my friend, made a step forward to becoming a better conversationalist. You asked us for our opinion. Make a change if you feel it will make a positive impact on your life. Observe how your family and friends respond :)

        Start small!

          • SolarNialamide@lemm.ee
            101·
            1 year ago

            I’m sorry but you’re being a child. ‘Well, if everyone apparently hates hearing me talk so much, I’ll just say nothing at all, just to please everyone even if it kills me inside!’ My guy. If multiple people at different points in your life with different relationships all say the same thing to you, it’s probably true. I know it’s hard to accept but you’re not accurately seeing what is happening in these social situations because you have a certain view of yourself and how you behave doesn’t match with that so you ignore it.

            I speak from experience. I’m autistic, it took a long time for me to learn to communicate properly. I had to be told by multiple people who were close to me at mutlple parts of my life that I was selfish in conversation and only talked about myself. At first I was very offended and indignant and denied it. Those people stopped being friends with me, but years later I realized they were right. Still, when I’m not trying I slip into just talking about myself. It took my brother and his wife saying it to me again 2 years ago. I apologized to them and have started paying attention more, and it makes a world of difference.

            Let other people talk, ask them questions, no matter how brilliant or interesting you think you are. You, in your childish indignation, think that being more empathetic in conversation will have a negative impact on you, but the people around you will like you way more and be more willing to talk with you, which actually has a positive impact on you. You know, I have students who are also super offended every time you discipline them because it’s sooo unfair and they didn’t do anything wrong, but it happens with every single teacher. It’s not them, it’s you. Try to be open to the fact that sometimes, other people have a more accurate view of your behavior. If they all say the same thing, listen.

          • CoachDom@lemmy.blahaj.zone
            1·
            1 year ago

            Don’t forget about the number one - you!

            But in this case, I feel it might be positive for both sides. Just don’t do something purely for the sake of others if you don’t feel it makes you happy as well. It’s unhealthy and unsustainable.